The Night I Can't Sleep

I move in 1 day and 7 hours from now. That's when I'll be in college...starting a new chapter in my life. But I feel I still have so much to do in order to finish this chapter before I go to college. I don't know what to do. Just when I was getting comfortable with my amazing friends and having a great boyfriend to always depend on in my time of need...but maybe this is what I need. Maybe I have to get out of this comfort zone, feel vulnerable, afraid of the unknown, and experience life so I won't be so dependent on my friends and boyfriend. In 1 day and 7 hours from now...I won't have a boyfriend. I won't be able to see my best friends Evil Overlord of Fairie all of the time when we just felt like hanging out. I have to make new friends. I have to open myself up to new people. How do I do that again? How do I deal with the judgement when I don't have my support right there with me? Oh yeah...I have to believe in myself. Maybe that is what I need to find when I don't have others to remind me to believe in myself.

The Point of Realization

I don't know what to think. I'm so mixed now. Basically 3 days until college starts.....I feel so mixed. I'm happy because it's something new, and it's a test to try and be out on my own (in a way). But...I feel like I'm losing so much. Soon...my boyfriend and I will take a break.....I don't know what to do. I hate the idea of feeling separated from him, but I guess that could be another test. Maybe I'm too dependent on his love for me, that I have almost forgotten to stand by myself again. He has shown a way where I can what I show on the outside can be what is in the inside. If we are meant to be...I'm the luckiest girl in the world. He wants me to be happy. He said even if it is with someone else, even though it would hurt him a lot. He would still want me to be happy. Right now, I can't imagine being with anyone else. He's perfect. Yes not every relationship is perfect, but to me...our love was perfect...1 year and almost 11 months...but technically it won't be 11 months. We will break it off before them. What do I do? I know I'll cry...I feel it right now. I don't know how I could possibly love someone else the way I do him. It feels like it's impossible...because he loves me...for me...quirks and all....what I call faults and failures...he calls cute and adorable. He's trying to make me promise to at least date one guy during college...to keep myself open for someone so I'm not just locking myself up for my Minotaur. -sigh- Let's hope this dragon can get herself together before college. I have great friends to keep me up from going into the shadows of sorrow, but I fear that every time I see his name...or even hear his voice...I'll falter and cry because I fear that I will lose him to someone else, but then I guess it means we weren't meant to be together right? I don't know, but I just pray God will let me know sometime.

Guess the weather felt what I felt ☺

Sunday was great. We went canoeing from 8:30am till 2pm. Yes tension was around after awhile, but overall it was worth it. It was clear blue skies and the sun was hot! So yes...we all got sunburned ☺anyways...when we got home...I immediately passed out. It was crazy. I woke up at 10:45pm and then just said screw it and went back to bed to wake up around 10:30ish am. Blah! That's what I completely felt like. So then I decided to attempt meditating and it worked for awhile. I went 10 straight minutes!!! and it felt so much shorter than that!!! It felt great.

Woot!

After a kind of depressing day, I went over to Fairie's place and guess what! We made dirt cups. Ah...childhood memories. Anyways.. we made chocolate ones, vanilla ones, and even cookies and cream ones!!! Then when we went to let them chill in the fridge we went up to Fairie's room to watch anime on Netflix!!! Negima is amazing and super funny. So random XD Either way, it was just what I needed. A good one on one hang out time with one of my best friends Fairie :) GAH!!!! I need to start getting all my crap together for college too!!! -hangs head- well I guess it's the plan for Monday XD

Something New

One of the books I bought yesterday was The Best Guide to Meditation by Victor N. Davich. Reason? I can't sleep at night. One of my former high school teachers was the same way. If anything...she was probably worse because I had a feeling she went a couple days on only a couple hours asleep. She told me that meditating worked for her, so I should try it. The problem was...I have big issues of sitting still and I really had no idea what I was suppose to focus on or do when I meditate. So I thought when I went shopping yesterday..to get that book. Tried it last night well a recommended trial run to experience a little bit of meditating that was offered in the book ...and I fell asleep much faster. It was actually really weird, but, nonetheless, it worked. This might be a more positive change I have been hoping for. ☻

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. – Fyodor Dostoevsky

Please let me be reminded of the memories that were filled with joy, and let me be prepared with all the material necessities for college. The house I currently live in...isn't a home. Yes, there are joyful times that can be accounted for, but mostly it's a reminder of all the wrong I have done and even not have done but still get blamed for. -sigh- Provide my mother with the support to handle such people I call my siblings....mainly the little one for when I'm off to college. (even though she is 16 -_-') May my sister learn to know maturity and caring so she won't be always so self-absorbed. I do have joys with my sister, but when it comes in times of trying to have fun with friends...she must always be center of attention and try to make her family 1) look like the bad guys or 2) make them seem like they could be stupider than her. I pray she will find that maturity level soon because if she continues..I fear she will make a lot more mistakes than she already has. Let this child realize that a lot of people wish to help her when she only returns that care with spite. Yes, I know out father screwed us up....he screwed all of us up, but we older ones have learned to find better ways to cope with the damage. Bless her heart, Lord. Let her know she won't go far by not changing her attitude. May she be have "the path involves respect for all small and subtle things [, and] learn to recognize the right moment to strike the necessary attitudes"(Manual of the Warrior of Light).

As I tried to help her on something that I know so much more about than her (video games), which was in front of people (bad idea), she snapped at me acting like she knew everything and I was the one who knew nothing...and she still refused to try something different to fix the problem...only to make her continue to cuss like crazy at the game. -sigh- but oh well.

Knew it wasn't going to be smooth sailing...but I was hopeful -sigh-

 Which doesn't feel like much....

Today started out great. Besides the face that I didn't sleep at all until 4pm XD I made breakfast for my brother before he went to work, and I went with my friends to the mall and got some neat stuff like books and jewelry. We ate at a new place that I now absolutely love!! Everything was going great! Until the ride home....I was crashing so bad for already being up more than 24 hours. So I really couldn't do much anything when my friends wanted to try out a new game. So when they saw that, they decided to come back later after I had a nice nap. (Nice of them right?) Well I wake up 3 hours later only to bombarded by my family with all these out of nowhere expectations and demands! I'm going to blow up! I wake up, and what do I get? Harp, harp, harp....even about my answers to my friends if I didn't want to do something....I was being harped on because I didn't want to go with them to Steak &Shake even with the reasoning that I didn't trust the person who was driving since I rode with that person before!.....and I even told my mom why I was grumpy (all the freakin harping!) -_-' I keep forgetting that if I have one problem with them...then hell freezes over, but if they have a problem with something or me..then it's perfectly normal...Gah!! I'm sorry :( I'm complaining when I was hoping I wouldn't, but I confined myself to my room so I wouldn't do or say anything that would make things worse -sigh-
I feel like I'm trapped in a tornado..thoughts, memories, and emotions are the leaves, dirt, and the wind. I'm in the middle surrounded by the chaos. Never moving forward, only in circles. (Happy with the fact I came with this saying, but it's sad that I do feel that way)....maybe I just need a dramatic change...one of other best friend, Vampire/Lycan Spawn, come home from vacation. I miss Spawn. Maybe I have just been hanging out with Fairie and Evil too much that I definitely need a variety of peoples to hang with.....hmm....I don't know -shrug- oh well :) Tomorrow will be a new day, and all I can do is my best....I just have to keep that in my mindset XD Hope I didn't depress or annoy any of you today...I really needed to get it out....Thank you if you read it anyways :) Have a great day!!

Trial Run :)

HEY!!! I'm Dragoness. :) I'm starting this new blog because 1) I can meet new people and 2) It might be able to give me a better creative flow so I can write me story. Maybe this blogging thing can help me miraculously get my sleeping schedule straight because right now it's around 3:10 in the morning XD College is coming up in a couple of weeks too! Anyways, I don't know what I'm really suppose to say on a blog. I don't know if I'm suppose to be informative, or talkative, or just write whatever the crap I want on here. Either way, I really hope this has some truly positive affects on me. :) With college coming up...I really need a lot of positive things. It may be a brand new start, but I don't want to possibly lose something...well yeah it's a someone... who I hold so dear to. When college starts, my boyfriend, who will be a senior in high school this upcoming year, says he wants to take a break. :( I get his reasoning....and yes he is doing it for me..because he says that he wants me to have some freedom to do things that he thinks that I might not do because I'm in a relationship with him..or in a highly doubtful possibility....find someone else but in any case this boyfriend is the first person I could ever really trust with my entire heart. I could tell him everything and not be afraid. I know he loves me a lot and all..but I still have that feeling that I will lose him...Right now we have been dating for a year and 10 months....I'm trying to think positively on this one and I do know that if it were meant to be then we would end up together in the end...I think it's the if part that is getting to me -sigh-