Restlessness

For some reason I can't stop. I've tried sleeping early. I've tried waking up early, but for some reason I can't seem to get a normal sleeping pattern. Sleep all day, stay up all night. And I'm not even doing anything. It's beyond frustrating...but I think I know the cause. It's the Minotaur. I'm pretty sure he's the reason I can't sleep very well, and then once I do fall asleep, I'll sleep forever because I'm off in fantasy land with him wishing for things to be back the way they were. It's slowly killing me.
 Most of my days are like this...

  ....and I'm thinking it's because of him...


I've been losing so much motivation. I have no idea what to do, but one day was one of the best days in a long while. A little over a week ago, Minotaur offers to hang out. What do I do? I shoot right out of bed get all ready and what not. But get this, not too long before my sister comes in my room asking to go play catch. Mean as it was, I declined because I really didn't want to. Then, I was really happy to have declined because I got to spend an entire day with Minotaur. Best day in a long while.

Guess I should rewind a bit. Okay so get this... I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Ok? With me so far? Minotaur is..regrettably saying is my ex. I was going off to college. He came up with the idea to split because he wanted me to see if any other guy could make me happier...-buzzer- WRONGO!! But I went with the idea because he wanted me to at least try to I would know for sure. Well he wasn't making it easy in the trying to see if other guys making me happier then he does when he always sends texts like hey beautiful and i love you all the time, so I told him to stop. (See 100% idiot I am >.<) We kind of were separating more and more as time when on. Me on campus life, him still in high school. I couldn't find anyone. Winter break strolls on by. A crush I had before Minotaur I thought might have worked. -buzzer- WRONG AGAIN!! -sigh- i just need a tattoo on my head saying biggest idiot in the world right here don't I?...well later on I realized my mistakes and told Minotaur all of the stupidity that is within me...what happens, you ask? yep...he says he is kind of into someone...time passes. I just try to keep talking to him just in case. They end up dating...

<that's not how I was at the beginning after I finally was able to get over the stab in the stomach feeling...but I honestly can't feel/be that way. I might even sound stupid for believing it at such an early age, but I believe he's the one. Is that bad? Oh...yeah...I forgot to tell you guys. They aren't dating anymore. I think they only dated for a couple weeks. She breaks up with him saying that she wants him to know her more before they become a serious couple...I'm not assuming/not trying to assume anything. All I can say is that honestly I don't want it to work out between them, but then I want him to be happy...Oh internal battles how I dislike you so much....

Yep that's what I want to know from Minotaur. He's leaving confusing signals...or am I hoping he's leaving something for me to find? The day I hung out with him was after they broke up. Not like right after or anything, maybe a week? Anyways, when we hung out..we hugged...a lot...and then we were both tired because we were around playing frisbee golf and botchy ball (I think that's what it was called). It was so much fun. I know we were flirting and everything. I wanted to kiss him so bad -sigh- well anyways we were really tired. Somehow it ended up me on top of him on one of his humungous chairs and I could almost swear that if we would have actually fallen asleep I would have gotten the best sleep in a very long time... >.< this is killing me...I think I need help. -sigh- Not only that, just so I can kill myself even more. He ended up sitting next to me in church. Neither of us planned it. (and the girl that he dated was sitting a few rows behind us) Originally, my friend and I were sitting in the second row of the church...when we came back for the start of the service...our bags were moved up to the first row. I was sitting in the second seat from the aisle, my friend to my right in the third seat who had a spot saved for her boyfriend. Minotaur and my friend's boyfriend are on worship team so they were playing the instruments and Minotaur was even singing here and there -begin druel- I love it when that man sings xD. Anyway when they were done, they were to sit for the service, of all seats that Minotaur could have chosen...he chose the seat to my left. It seemed so right for him to be there...-sigh- I'm pathetic, I know...but could those events mean something?

 So with all of that nonsense, I come up with these conclusions about me towards Minotaur...