Don't Understand

I remember times when I was so negative about myself, but I never thought to bring down other people, especially when they are already down themselves. I"m baffled with how people respond to a person who is down. It's nice seeing the positivity that people bring to them, but then you have those that make them feel worse. I was on Facebook today, browsing the usual days worth of statuses and pictures and what ever else to keep my laying in bed and procrastinating from sleep or other productive things I could be doing. I come across one of my friend's statuses saying "If im strong enough then why are these thoughts racing through my head...." What would you put? I think that most people would put something to lift the person up. Give them a reassuring way of life with positivity like "I'm here for you" or "You are strong enough" or something like that. That's not what the second comment said on his status.... it said "maybe your just not strong enough" -_-' i want to punch this person so hard right now. Would you have ever thought to put that? Would you wish to assure this person that they wouldn't be strong enough even though everyone is strong enough for what they go through? God wouldn't put us through these things if we weren't. Yes, we need to rely on Him, but I mean with just the thoughts a person can be strong enough to overcome that kind of thinking. With help, I sure did. 
What makes this worse is that this person considers himself a friend to the one who is down. They even live in the same house! I was baffled to see that. I know this is petty anger, so maybe it's other frustrations that are getting at me and this blew me way over. I just never could understand how people could do that to others. I understand being negative towards yourself, but I don't understand doing that to your own friends. Friends are meant to help, no dig the hole with you. Let a lone this person that did this wasn't the smartest and I have had a lot of frustrations with this person because he only cares for himself. When I proved him to be so, he contradicted himself. Either way, it bugs me. I have seen others do it, and I don't understand why. Why is attempting to help other people to be happy so hard? Don't people like it when others are happy? Don't people like it when they have smiles back on their face or can say thanks for being there or cheering me up? Why is that so hard to do?

Secrets

What I use to be so good at for the longest time...and now...well...keeping them is becoming harder then ever...darn secrets. Some secrets are easier to keep then others. My sorority secrets are easy to keep that's for sure, but the most current secret is extremely hard to keep right now. Promised not to tell, but it involves me. I already let it slip twice. I couldn't contain myself. First I tell a friend who just happen to be there, then I tell Mum. There were some other reason's for tell my telling Mum, but still it wasn't even a couple of hours and I was already telling people. I think it was because it involved me a great deal and I was bursting open to tell people.

That says it all. I have been trying to live up to that more and more each day. It gets a little easier when certain things you are trying to make happen are things you are fighting to keep, fighting to have, or just plain fighting for. Some things get harder to make happen when you fear the consequences of what you try to make happen. It is all so crazy. Risk is definitely on top of the list when going out and trying to make things happen. I agree with not waiting, but what if you need to wait in order to make those things happen...more or less the way that you hope they will turn out. It could make a person go crazy if you think about it too long. That, in turn, will make you wait either way.

...and that is definitely something to live by...not only has that kind of thing happened to me once...it has happened twice now....oh wait..it has actually happened a whole lot more then that!! It leaves me to be so excited. I just know there are more to come too. :)

 AND...

YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE!!! ;)

So in Love

I might be able to sleep this night...nice and early. Woot!! multiple factors i guess are put into play though...time of the month...thunderstorm...woke up earlier than normal and actually got up but I drove to my campus for a concert for some friends that were singing there...and Minotaur was there. Then, he invited me to hang out with him later. Watched a movie with him and his family, then watched another movie with his family and he went to his room, then he took me home.
There's a lot on his mind and some things are really getting to him...it was paining me to see him so frustrated when I went over to his house. So what do I do? I hug him of course! That's the only thing I know how to do to at least make a first attempt at cheering people up...the part I didn't think about?...him hugging back...the way he holds me, especially when no one is around... He's secretly a drug of some sort, I promise you. There is no way this guy should have such a hold on me like he does. I go from a person who absolutely despised people for most of my life and had very very few close friends...to someone who is losing her mind over someone that she loves so much and doesn't have surrounding her with his arms. How does this happen? How can someone break down the barriers with just a look and a few words when those walls were spent on years of hard work to build? Those spent years seem worthless now...and you know what is worse? Even on one of Minotaur's bad days like he just had...it was better than any of my days without him...
I look at my freshmen college days before summer of when I didn't see him...talk to him...those were a lot by the way...and I realize that I was never truly happy. yeah I laughed a lot and all the stuff, but I wasn't ever truly happy just like I was about and 2 hours ago. I was constantly smiling without even realizing it until now. We were flirting like no other too. Started out simple during the day, sticking our tongues out at each other, making fun. He constantly tickles me...which I find as a good sign. We are always competing with one another. I love it and half the time he starts it! -sigh- I'm crazy in love, and right now I can't have him. I don't want to push him either with how cruddy he's been feeling. With simply sticking our tongues out at each other, I made him smile even through the cruddiness feeling he had. I was so happy to something as simple as that for him. When he took me home...he smiled a lot more. I think if any outsider saw how we were when his family or people we really didn't know...they would think that we were dating.
So this is what happens...
He walks me home. I'm only a few houses down from him. We were talking here and there. Mainly me trying to figure out what was wrong with him and talking about my sister's craziness. Then we get to the door. I go for a goodbye hug. You would think those hug are suppose to be short and sweet. Mine and his aren't...ever. We just stood there...holding each other. I was in heaven for those moments. a minute? then he tickles me. both of us laughing and the usual flirting. I can't stop hugging him though. Every chance I get...I try to hug him. Hugs make me feel better...especially from him -sigh- only really from him...
I get him to take a break from tickling me and ask him out on a date like thing basically (ok it was to go see a movie cause I knew he was interested in going to see it) >.< He smiled! I think that's something! He said he would have to think about it after I told him when because he just was in a cruddy mood at the moment and wasn't sure also if his family had pre-made plans. I hug him again. He squeezes me tight...one of the best feelings in the world...to be held like that. It felt like his love again. Then the tickling begins. Competing with each other as usual. it stops. I go in for one more hug before he leaves, my arms around his neck....bad idea. what does he do?
"She's dead." he says.
"What?" I laugh.
"She's dead." He says again laughing a little. I realize what he means.
"Oh no. No no no!" I squeal like crazy while he has me trapped in his arms and tickling me. I couldn't break free. I even miss that like crazy. We were both laughing and flirting again. He sadly then has to leave...and sadly I won't be seeing him at church because he is off to see some of his family members. Like I said...I'm pretty sure he's a drug because I'm still high off of him since I'm smiling randomly...after the crying of course but hey I'm smiling :)

this has to be it....he's definitely my kyo

Restlessness

For some reason I can't stop. I've tried sleeping early. I've tried waking up early, but for some reason I can't seem to get a normal sleeping pattern. Sleep all day, stay up all night. And I'm not even doing anything. It's beyond frustrating...but I think I know the cause. It's the Minotaur. I'm pretty sure he's the reason I can't sleep very well, and then once I do fall asleep, I'll sleep forever because I'm off in fantasy land with him wishing for things to be back the way they were. It's slowly killing me.
 Most of my days are like this...

  ....and I'm thinking it's because of him...


I've been losing so much motivation. I have no idea what to do, but one day was one of the best days in a long while. A little over a week ago, Minotaur offers to hang out. What do I do? I shoot right out of bed get all ready and what not. But get this, not too long before my sister comes in my room asking to go play catch. Mean as it was, I declined because I really didn't want to. Then, I was really happy to have declined because I got to spend an entire day with Minotaur. Best day in a long while.

Guess I should rewind a bit. Okay so get this... I'm the biggest idiot in the world. Ok? With me so far? Minotaur is..regrettably saying is my ex. I was going off to college. He came up with the idea to split because he wanted me to see if any other guy could make me happier...-buzzer- WRONGO!! But I went with the idea because he wanted me to at least try to I would know for sure. Well he wasn't making it easy in the trying to see if other guys making me happier then he does when he always sends texts like hey beautiful and i love you all the time, so I told him to stop. (See 100% idiot I am >.<) We kind of were separating more and more as time when on. Me on campus life, him still in high school. I couldn't find anyone. Winter break strolls on by. A crush I had before Minotaur I thought might have worked. -buzzer- WRONG AGAIN!! -sigh- i just need a tattoo on my head saying biggest idiot in the world right here don't I?...well later on I realized my mistakes and told Minotaur all of the stupidity that is within me...what happens, you ask? yep...he says he is kind of into someone...time passes. I just try to keep talking to him just in case. They end up dating...

<that's not how I was at the beginning after I finally was able to get over the stab in the stomach feeling...but I honestly can't feel/be that way. I might even sound stupid for believing it at such an early age, but I believe he's the one. Is that bad? Oh...yeah...I forgot to tell you guys. They aren't dating anymore. I think they only dated for a couple weeks. She breaks up with him saying that she wants him to know her more before they become a serious couple...I'm not assuming/not trying to assume anything. All I can say is that honestly I don't want it to work out between them, but then I want him to be happy...Oh internal battles how I dislike you so much....

Yep that's what I want to know from Minotaur. He's leaving confusing signals...or am I hoping he's leaving something for me to find? The day I hung out with him was after they broke up. Not like right after or anything, maybe a week? Anyways, when we hung out..we hugged...a lot...and then we were both tired because we were around playing frisbee golf and botchy ball (I think that's what it was called). It was so much fun. I know we were flirting and everything. I wanted to kiss him so bad -sigh- well anyways we were really tired. Somehow it ended up me on top of him on one of his humungous chairs and I could almost swear that if we would have actually fallen asleep I would have gotten the best sleep in a very long time... >.< this is killing me...I think I need help. -sigh- Not only that, just so I can kill myself even more. He ended up sitting next to me in church. Neither of us planned it. (and the girl that he dated was sitting a few rows behind us) Originally, my friend and I were sitting in the second row of the church...when we came back for the start of the service...our bags were moved up to the first row. I was sitting in the second seat from the aisle, my friend to my right in the third seat who had a spot saved for her boyfriend. Minotaur and my friend's boyfriend are on worship team so they were playing the instruments and Minotaur was even singing here and there -begin druel- I love it when that man sings xD. Anyway when they were done, they were to sit for the service, of all seats that Minotaur could have chosen...he chose the seat to my left. It seemed so right for him to be there...-sigh- I'm pathetic, I know...but could those events mean something?

 So with all of that nonsense, I come up with these conclusions about me towards Minotaur...